my ordinary day

I wake up @5:45. sometimes I meditate, breath-work, delete junk emails, or take a glance at the future market. wash my face, get dressed, go downstair, feed my dog, fill the hot water pot and turn on the switch, ground a quarter cup of coffee beans, put the ground coffee in the aero coffee maker, open the curtains, let the dog out, do a few stretches in the fresh morning air, let the dog in, pour hot water over ground coffee, fill a mug of hot water and take it to my work desk. take a sip. turn on my work laptop and get ready for work. if it’s not 6:30am yet or my computer takes its time to get connected to VPN, I take my hot water mug with me and go to the backyard, observe my plants. it feels good to feel the hot water running through my inside in the early morning. plants and trees look fresh and healthy. sometimes, Chewie, my dog, observes the plants with me; other times, he directly goes back upstairs to take another nap.

6:30am, checking emails, respond. take care of tasks. make phone calls as necessary. tele-meetings. notice my coffee brew is ready. mix a spoonful of coconut oil and blend with magic-bullet blender and pour in the same mug, take it back to my work desk. continue taking care of work stuff. look at stock market status on my personal laptop, which is side by side with my work laptop. my glance goes back and forth between two laptops until 3pm, which is the time when I stop working.

Take my phone and personal laptop, go back to my bedroom, get in bed, either watch something on the laptop or take a nap. sometimes go to the park with my daughter and Chewie for about half an hour. other times, I do yoga in the backyard for an hour. study Gene Keys. take care of my plants. cook dinner of course but never is a big deal though. I’m not a big eater, but my daughter is a connoisseur. go get some groceries maybe. cooking for Chewie is a big deal every 4 to 5 days. Organic chickendrums and carrots cooked in a constant pot. Chewie has 4 meals a day. he is like a clockwork and would never let us forget each of his meals.

enjoy the time after 3pm. entirely mine. we order in sometimes. watch a movie, especially during the stay-at-home months. I like to be locked down. don’t feel like that i have to be anywhere. looking forward to another online retreat with Gene Keys starting June 20. contemplation makes me feel grounded and solid – it makes life worth living.

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an ideal partner

I can make a long list all the characteristics of an ideal partner, but the important ones are few:

• infinitely optimistic, based on a deep understanding and a wide experience in life
• having a profound respect for life in general
• always choosing decency and kindness unconditionally

I couldn’t picture a person in my life who can embody these three, until the past Sunday I ran into someone on my morning walk with Chewie, my dog. He was running with his dog. When they were passing us, Chewie started running after them and I had to follow along. His dog suddenly stopped to poop in the middle of the road and he introduced, “this is Brody and I’m Mike.” His smile was warm and natural, his mannerism, authentic. He also looked healthy and energetic. He could be the ideal man prototype.

at night I couldn’t sleep and I decided to listen to a sleep meditation on finding a soulmate. To be truthful, I listened to it for 2 hours, but I didn’t really hear anything it says, expect the melody and a girl’s whispering gently in my ears. strangely, I’m not sure it’s because of the man I ran into or the subliminal message in the soulmate finding mediation, I had a sex related dream. it was tantalizing and feeling warm and fuzzy when I woke up. but the dream was purely sexual because I didn’t even see or talk to the person in my dream. I didn’t even see his face. He was just a naked man. The first step.

fear of lack

so far, I had not had a large loss in stock investment until last Thursday, the 6% of drop of Dow in one day. however because the stock market has been extremely irrational since the start of Covid-19, I believe this drop still is not a linear free fall of the economy due to the gloomy outlook – significant drop in GDP and employment rate primarily.

At the beginning of Covid-19, I knew it would be a long way to economic recovery – not months, but years. I tried to figure out a bottom and throw in all i have and leave it there till the full recovery of the economy. However, searching for the bottom has been a frustrating mission. The stock market has been volatile but upward looking in general. Even though I pulled my money out of the market before the downfall, in the middle of everything, I did feel that I have been missing out on the upward trend. I had been in sync with the market and right on pulse with the ups and downs. I made about $35K since the beginning of the year, until last week. Fear started creeping in again – this is a deep fear that has been impacting my life decisions since my daughter was born. I believe that I always need a lot of money to take care of her and myself. I have been working hard and binding by my strict principles. Kept my eyes on the ball too hard that I have missed a lot of essential things in life.

This time, I really want to pivot; therefore, I let the fear in, truly feel it in my mind, my heart, and my body. I noticed, my body was so intense that i was barely breathing, my mind was so full and I couldn’t focus on anything else, and my heart was racing so fast but my body was so still. at the end of the day, I was so exhausted in every way, but still couldn’t rest. I was in a full fight or flight state.

more tests to come in this regard and I’m ready to dive in.

literal thinking

too much of literal thinking – I need to gradually zoom out and start using more of my right brain. Reality has been too solid to me.

• more communication as where I am and where I stand and who I’m standing by – let people know that I intend to be a solid anchor for them. Let my intension be known clearly.
• nothing is literal – everything is metaphorical

losses

I woke up crying three days in a roll, but I can only remember the last dream I had – it was when someone dismantled all the plants in my backyard. For a few moments, the despair in my heart killed my soul, until I became aware that it was only a dream.

When I was recalling my dream, my daughter observed, “I believe this is the grief of losses. Maybe because you have not processed the losses in your life.”

Upon reflection, first I realized that some losses in my life are irreversible; for this type of loss, nothing and no one can soothe the grief and pain for a period of time. However, I also realized that their hold does not have to be permanent; if you let it – if you have clarity about what this does to you and you will realize that other options are available other than the path currently you’re on, you can pivot your life to a new direction.

Some of my losses are not direct experiences. For instance, my grandfather’s execution was witnessed by my mother when she was 13 years old and when the communist party took over China. I felt the grief and pain in my mother’s voice and body when the story was told by my mother and when I was in 6th grade. This event set the backdrop of my mother’s life and she lived it accordingly; in turn, looking back, that loss changed my life at a fundamental level as well.

On one hand, I can see the permanence of the negative impact of losses in our lives; on the other, truthfully, are any of losses absolutely negative though?

Some of my losses seemed devastating and fatal at the time but they changed the course of my life positively in the long run. For example, my divorce 7 years ago was traumatic and I experienced tremendous loss in many ways, but meantime I have grown in countless dimensions. Sometimes I wish this happened long before the real event.

The loss of my old identities was definitely a good thing. For example, after I gradually embraced my daughter as an independent person after she was 22 years old, without intermingling my fear and ego in the equation, I found a gentler, tenderer, and more loving mother within me that I never thought I could be. The loss of my old identity as an authoritarian parent injected refreshing energy in our relationship and I discovered my authentic function in my daughter’s life.

Some of my losses were seemly insignificant at the time but they changed the path of my life for good. When I was 7 years old, one day I had a sudden premonition: my mother was going to die young – this came in my head like a thunder. I didn’t tell anyone because I was so scared for my mother, when I realized she would never see us children growing up. She did die before her 50’s birthday and at the time we were still children. As a hindsight the fact that she never witnessed me giving birth to my daughter forever changed my life, and in turn my daughter’s life.

write a short bio

I know I haven’t been active here and I do feel a little bad about this.

In order to rekindle my enthusiasm in writing, I joined a community writing group yesterday. However it requires each member to write a short bio as self introduction to the group. Now, I’m thinking, what angle should I go about?

I was born in mainland China. I liked reading and writing as a kid. In 5th grade, I wrote a poem and it was published in the school Journal. One time, I wrote a movie review and won two movie tickets. Another time when my daughter was a toddler, I wrote an article for a city newspaper about massage for toddlers to keep their immune system up. I wrote in Chinese then. Later on, English language opened a parallel universe to me. I fell in love with it. I kept reading books and learning English vocabulary with wonderment – I found my Narnia. I dreamed to marry an English writer or an English literature professor and live in London, so we could write together at home in the dreary, rainy cold days. So far, either of my dreams has come true.

That sums up my creative writing experience. Meantime, I have been busy living out many of my other parallel lives as well. Have been doing plenty of technical writing but not creative writing. I would like to use this opportunity to get started.

Femininity in Dating

My daughter shared a revelation after our yoga class a couple of days ago and I thought she was right on point.

What’s a natural way to approach dating for females?

Now a days, more and more females try to take the masculine approach by mimicking male behavior to directly chase after guys or ask guys out, to show assertiveness and to demonstrate that I’m a modern woman and I know what I want. I’m in charge. I’m in control of my own life. However, I do believe this is one approach which is to swing the pendulum directly from one side to another – a radical change in order to make a dent in the condition women were in for centuries. Sometimes, this seems the only way to correct the course of the collective trend of history. But on the individual level, this approach is a remedial intermedia progress, not the ultimate goal. This is not the ultimate solution because this is not beneficial to human as a race in the long run.

(1) This masculine approach does not demonstrate the strength of femininity. Women believe they have to become masculine (a mutated female form) to be in control of life and to enjoy life, which is against nature – females will become more muted in femininity and transmute toward genderless and toward masculinity. However this is not a development we prefer.

(2) This masculine approach emasculates men and causes the birth of a mutated male form, which is also against nature – males will become more muted and transmute toward genderless and toward femininity. However, this is not a condition we are trying to achieve either.

Here is my daughter’s proposal:

We should all go inward to find true femininity and masculinity within ourselves. As women particularly, we need to work on internally what we want in a partner at a soul level. Knowing what we don’t want is not the same as knowing what we want. True clarity in what we desire in a partner is the key to find a partner.

This takes tons of solitude and a lot of inner strength to cultivate, but I’m sure it’s worth the effort.

I admire my daughter’s clarity and vision. She nailed it.

Truth is often in plain sight, can be explained in plain language and simple concept, but also can be so easily slipped through our fingers like water.

taking a different approach

I have been trying to take a path that I haven’t chosen before whenever I feel like a change. This not only can open more options and make my world more vast but also bring me different perspectives of looking at life. No approach is wasted. Nothing is that serious – since life and death is not even that crucial.

I realized that everyone can afford to play a little. I do not need to do what others expected of me. Everything goes and meantime, I don’t have to let anything go if I don’t feel like it. Able to glide the full spectrum on a whim is real flexibility and confidence.

Can I Bend Time?

can I bend time?

I believe I can. Here is my story.

Sunday Feb 24 2019. 7:21am, I opened my eyes and immediately I was in total despair because I planned to go to the 7:30am yoga session. My first thought was evidently I would not be able to make the class. for an unknown reason, 7:22am, I suddenly jumped out of bed and wanted to try to make it. I washed my face, put on moisturizer, and then put in my contact lenses. Ran downstairs. Meantime, our dog Chewie was running down with me, because he wanted to eat breakfast. I took out his food (two containers: homemade chicken with carrots, and organic canned sweet potatoes), found a spoon in the drawer, and scooped out two spoons of chicken with carrots and one scoop of sweet potatoes. I dashed into the garage and from the dryer, I grabbed my yoga towel and sweatshirt first, put them in my car, and then grabbed my shorts and sports bra and two hand towels from the dryer, the water bottle from my car, ran back to the house, put on my shorts and bra, filled the water bottle, wet my two hand towels, fetched my handbag, dashed back to the garage and drove off.

It’s 3 miles from home to the yoga studio. 5 traffic light stops. 2 of the 5 lights were green. parked. grabbed car key, wet towels, yoga mat and ran in. Put my flip-flops and key on the shelf and walked in the hot room. The room was full. The long haired guy signaled me over to the space next to him, he and the guy behind me both moved their mats so I could have enough space to put down my mat. I stood on my mat for a few seconds to calm down, and Charlene (the instructor) walked in – “lights’ up!”

was it possible for me to complete all these movements within 7 minutes? if not, what truly happened?

nothing personal

Sometimes, I feel being ignored, as if I’m invisible. In the past, I can’t let it go immediately because the unclarity brings me confusion. As I grow older, as I’m more established professionally and more confident in appearance, that happens to me less often and I feel less hurt by it.

However, as I become more mature psychologically and emotionally, more aware of my feelings, I realize others’ behavior is not personal. They have their own woundings and conditions, and mine was from the emotional neglect from my father early on when I was a baby, which was also not personal. My father just really wanted to have a son instead of a daughter who happened to have a stubborn personality.

This wounding was triggered slightly once more while at the Yin yoga class a few days ago. There were a total of 5 students and I was right in the middle. The instructor was facing me during the whole class but as if I was not there at all. She kept making conversations with all others but me. She didn’t even make eye contact with me. She corrected others’ poses in the mist of it, except me. We can speculate many reasons, but I knew nothing was personal. As simple as that. I felt less and less a sting to my feelings as I’m becoming more aware of the truth.